Super funny. I was getting ready to go out at night with a friend and it hit me. I noticed why I really enjoy spending time with her. She has a knack for making me feel good. It is a very specific way too. She enthusiastically agrees with almost everything I say. IT IS SO AMAZING! :) I don't remember the specific words that she was saying, all I really remember was how she made me feel. I felt affirmed. I felt smart. I felt valued. I felt AWESOME. There are a number of lessons (3+) to take away from this experience.
First, ENTHUSIASM. In his first chapter of "How I Raised Myself From Failure to Success in Selling," Frank Bettger described how much being enthusiastic changed his life. The coach of his minor baseball team in the early 1900s fired him because of his tentativeness on the field. One his new in team a new area at 1/7th the pay, he resolved to be the most enthusiastic player on the field. With this low pay, he didn't feel enthusiastic; he simply decided to act as if he was enthusiastic. His enthusiasm almost entirely overcame his fear. His enthusiasm affected the other players, and they became enthusiastic. Even though the game was over 100° F, he felt better during and after the game than ever before. Within 10 days of acting enthusiastic... TEN DAYS, he increased his pay by more than 7x! But it wasn't because he was any better at playing baseball. Two years later on the St. Louis Cardinals, his income by 30x. What changed? Nothing significant changed but his level of enthusiasm.
Second, despite it being less than 10 hours ago, I forgot the actual words and phrases she used. All I remember is how I felt and her enthusiasm in which she conveyed the message. Turns out, the words we actually say are substantially less important than how the other person (people) is made to feel while you say them. Try this exercise. How much SPECIFIC conversation do you remember from the last day? Have you ever forgotten what you ACTUALLY said 10 minutes before in the same conversation (that happened to me today... more than once)? Do you remember how different people made you FEEL today? Did someone hurt you today? Did you good about talking to someone? These feelings are what really matters. In this situation for me, I remember I felt great. :)
Third, agreeing with people works wonders. I love it when people agree with me. One of the most attractive qualities in a person I meet is the level they agree with me. I personally feel like I think things through and come up with brilliant conclusions about life. I think I'm smart. When someone else recognizes that in me, I think THEY ARE SMART TOO! Does that make sense? This is relevant because chances are that you also feel competent and smart. You like to be right. You like to be agreed with and affirmed. When someone recognizes that you are smart and interesting, you recognize that they are perceptive because you TOTALLY ARE SMART AND INTERESTING!!! :) Give other people that experience you love so much. They will like you.
Third (continued), the only way to win an argument is to not start an argument. To extend the last idea further, I was spending time with another friend not long ago. We were talking philosophically about life. He made a couple different comments about his beliefs. I said something to the effect of, "I more or less agree, but I see it differently." That was one of the... worst things I could say. If I heard that from someone, I probably would have heard him say that I am wrong and I should agree with his brillant conclusions. I don't like feeling like that. I like my own conclusions. Ironically, I didn't consider... "this is a person... maybe he also likes it when people agree with him... maybe he really likes telling stories and wants to hear how other people like them... maybe he also wants to be affirmed... maybe he thinks his conclusions are right!" After this experience, I thought about the opportunity I missed out on. I could have heard his opinions, but I was too busy to listen and affirm him because I was trying to prove him wrong.
Third (more), I was relating this last conclusion - arguments are bad ideas - to a friend soon after the experience. Fortunately I caught myself. I almost started to argue that arguments are bad ideas!!!! Haha. After realizing this, I switched into asking her WHY she felt that way. Ultimately, what I found out is that we were more or less on the same page. The misunderstanding came about because we used different words to describe the same situation. Often that is the case. To clarify this last lesson, explicitly disagreeing with someone is very rarely (if ever) a good idea. If you want to understand this idea further, a great resource is a chapter in Part Three of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" titled: "You Can't Win an Argument."
--> Just so you (reader and my future self reading this) know, I by no means have these principles down pat... yet. It is probably clear in my last couple ideas that I have work to do! It is so much easier to sit down late at night analyzing my day than to remember these principles in the moment. I'm working on it!
Side note, I'D LOVE TO BE IN THIS PROCESS WITH YOU (reader). I always appreciate your comments, particularly if you're interested in learning more or have any questions (i.e. I want to grow too and change world). :)
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